


thoughts in empty spaces

by scribbleddreaming



Category: Alles was zählt
Genre: DeRo 1.0, M/M, deniz is a sad self-loathing puppy and i am an awful person, sadtimes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-19
Updated: 2014-12-19
Packaged: 2018-03-02 05:13:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2800835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scribbleddreaming/pseuds/scribbleddreaming
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Roman is fucking delusional. Deniz isn’t gay; he likes hot chicks, nothing more.</p><p>It doesn’t mean anything that Deniz only comes with Roman’s name on his lips.</p>
            </blockquote>





	thoughts in empty spaces

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this almost 2 years ago - I found it on my tumblr and decided to post it after a little bit of editing. I'm a bit emotional about these idiots today. The voice in italic is Deniz' thoughts, basically the little devil in the back of his mind telling him how awful he is because I think poor Deniz actually doesn't like himself too much. I'm German, so if there are any mistakes, I'm sorry (it's probably my own laziness that's to blame for those tbh). Find me on tumblr at hawkgays.tumblr.com

Deniz hates Roman.

He doesn't want to see Roman at the centre every day. He doesn't want Roman to constantly talk to him, badger him, telling him “it’s okay, it’s alright, I went through this too, I dated girls too, I tried to hide it too, I know what you’re going through."

Roman doesn’t know shit; he’s to blame for everything. Had Roman not kissed him at that party, had Vanessa not taken that picture, had that stupid reporter not swiped the camera, nothing would have happened; nobody would think he was gay and Deniz could just forget that moment.

_you still lie awake at night and think of the kiss sometimes - you’d do anything to just forget it_

Deniz isn’t gay. No matter what any of those jackasses back in Munich or the school counselor or Bulle or Roman say. None of them know him. Especially not Roman.

_roman looks at you and smiles slightly, he sees right through you - nothing has ever scared you more_

So, the kiss was okay. It doesn’t matter - it happened so fast he didn’t even realize what was happening. And besides, it was just a stupid kiss that didn’t mean anything; a stupid, drunken kiss.

_you can’t stop thinking of how it felt; tasting the sweet alcohol on his lips, you don’t like those fruity cocktails he drinks, but tasting them on roman, you can’t really remember why_

And that thing at the pool? Doesn’t mean anything. He’s 17 years old, for fuck’s sake; he could get turned on by looking at linoleum. Roman just happened to be there, that’s all.

_you watch the water dripping down roman’s torso, you can’t take your eyes off of him; he looks at you and smiles fondly, your heart makes a leap, you stare at his chest and your eyes keep wandering, staring and you don’t remember breathing because all you can think of is to touch him now, right now, grab and push and pull until you forget that this is wrong wrong wrong--_

Roman is fucking delusional. Deniz isn’t gay; he likes hot chicks, nothing more.

It doesn’t mean anything that Deniz only comes with Roman’s name on his lips.

 

* * *

 

 

When Deniz visits Roman at the hospital, he knows he needs to control himself; he can’t let Roman know the truth, know that he was there when Bulle and Jürgen attacked him.

_you should have stopped them should have said something should have screamed should have helped – it’s your fault all your fault_

Roman seems glad to see him, but Deniz can see the pain hidden in Roman’s clouded eyes. He can see Roman desperately trying to hold back tears, putting on a smile and trying to be brave; maybe for Deniz, maybe for everyone, because no one wants to see Roman suffer.

_it’s your fault he will never be able to skate again, maybe never walk again, but you’ll be fine, you destroyed his life, but you’ll be fine, look at him, vulnerable and shattered into pieces, all your fault it's all your fault_

Deniz wants to cry and break down, confess everything, he wants Roman to scream at him,  he wants Roman to tell him that everything will be alright, that he’ll be okay and he wants Roman to be okay, just be okay,  _please, be okay._

_you should be lying there you brought this on him it's your fault_

But Deniz doesn’t say anything, he just does what he does best: run away.

_you’re a fucking coward_

 

* * *

 

 

Deniz knew he wouldn’t be able to hold it in forever, because he’s never been the best at following through with a lie, even though they always slip off his tongue so easily.

He tries really hard to keep it in and tells himself it would only cause more trouble for everyone, but Roman smiles at him, lovingly like he always does, like he knows exactly what Deniz is feeling and thinking when he doesn’t even know himself. He cleaned up Deniz’ wounds after he saved him from Bulle and his friends ( _the thing you didn’t do_ ) and he just smiles at Deniz. He doesn’t know what’s happening other than that some kind of force is pulling them together, pulling them closer to each other until he can feel Roman’s breath on his face.

_only a few centimeters, roman is so close, you can almost touch him, feel his lips against yours again, you just wanna kiss him, kiss him breathless, kiss him until your forget, like letting go will kill you and you might actually think it could, oh god you've never wanted anything more than him_

But Deniz pulls away and watches Roman flustering, trying to pretend the moment never happened, for Deniz' sake. Why is Roman like this? Why does he still care about Deniz? After everything he has said and done to Roman, he shouldn’t be this… understanding.

_it’s because he loves you, you idiot, he cares about you, he would do anything for you because he hasn't seen who you really are yet, he's brave, unlike you, you ran away, you destroyed his life and you don’t deserve him_

“I was there, Roman. When Bulle and Jürgen beat you up I was there and I didn’t stop them.”

Deniz sees Roman’s face fall, his shoulders slump and his face hardens. He remembers something Roman said to him earlier: He who lives on hope alone will someday perish starving. 

 

* * *

 

 

He’s never seen Roman this livid; Roman is frantic and furious, running away from him just to get away, and Deniz just wants to freeze time so he can go back to just two minutes ago, when Roman still believed Deniz was a decent human being, someone he can trust, someone who will protect him. Deniz hears the anguish in Roman’s voice and he knows the tone all too well; disappointment, betrayal, all the emotions he’s heard so often in his mother’s or his father’s voice. He realizes in a sudden moment that it hurts even more hearing it in Roman's voice.

_you know that Roman would have noticed one day what a pathetic excuse for a good person you are, better for him he realized it early enough that you can't do more harm to him_

Roman screams at Deniz, tells him that he can’t make anything better, can’t give him his knee back, can’t give him his career back, can’t do anything. And Roman screams at him to leave, to get out and Deniz knows it’s futile because he’s finally done it; Roman has given up on him.

_you’ve never loved anyone more than roman and you've lost him because of your own fear_

_you never do anything right_


End file.
